We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
