i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
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