I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
