8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
so are u like ashamed lol?
not really. i dont look at it as being homeless. im just going to pretend im on an extended camping trip
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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