ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
Randomize
