So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
