I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
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