I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
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