I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
