I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
