She went from zero to smokin in five shots
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Randomize
