hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
apparently the secret to your success is patron
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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