made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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