Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Randomize
