trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
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