I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
