the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize