he puts the penis in happiness.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
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