I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
