Well you will be happy to know that aaron carter hit on me
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
