if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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