Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
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