Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
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