so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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