My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Randomize
