you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
