Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
My dad just said "fuck circus"
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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