I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Randomize
