I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
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