I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
