i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Randomize
