It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Randomize
