Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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