there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
