I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
