You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Randomize
