I just saw a hot homeless man
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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