I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Randomize
