Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
