Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
These tits shall not be calmed
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
