Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
