You don't have asthma, your pregnant
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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