why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
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