I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Randomize
