hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
Randomize
