why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
Randomize