I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Randomize
