so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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