when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
