I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
The uberlube is also flammable
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Randomize
