hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
