He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Randomize