In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
