We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
I can't turn off my feet"
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
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