im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
