You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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