Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Randomize
