The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
