Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Randomize