she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
