Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
