The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Randomize
